I don’t like posting personal things about myself, or my life. But I feel a need to that I can’t suppress. So, here goes Tumblr: Welcome to the depths and recesses of my mind.
I feel myself being dragged deeper and deeper into a pit of misery that exists in my own head. I for a few months now have managed to hold out against it alone, without aid or complaint (I generally have a mental fortitude equivalent only to perhaps the walls of Ancient Babylon or some other seemingly impenetrable construct) and yet now, the forefront of my defence is gone yet again and I have been left alone, starting to falter and waver in my resolve. Retreating further and further back into the recesses of my mind in a hope that I will at some point after a lengthy period of attrition wear down the forces arrayed against me.
I’m supposed to be going back onto the Anti-Depressants. But what is the point of a drug that’s purpose is to make me feel human, if it removes one of the aspects of my humanity? On top of that I’m constantly thinking to myself “Make sure you keep changing the drug your taking till you find one that will zombify you”.
The last time I was on anti-depressants they “zombified” me, I didn’t really talk or feel much (even in comparison to how I naturally am). They literally deadened the vast majority of my emotions (Save the extreme ones) and sent me into some kind of a conscious sleep.
It was bliss.
I can hardly sleep any more, and whenever I do I can’t help but toss and turn or wake after only a few hours to the thought: “End yourself” ringing between my ears like some kind of cannon blast.
I no longer dream and when I do, they are putrid and violent… or are simply filled with all the inequalities, injustices in the world today so that I can’t even escape the reality of things in my sleep. Instead I find myself being sucked into game after game, trying to be anyone but me. They give me joy (or what appears to be joy externally) but only to the extent that I don’t feel like I’m me any more.
I read novels both non-fictional and fictional. Watch movies. Play games. Listen to music. And all of it condemns me to endure a longing to be something, or someone else… to be revered by my fellow man or looked up to. To lead hundreds under me. To change the world. Make a difference. Be remembered. Just to be special and not of the norm.
But then I realize; I’m only normal. I’m nothing special. I can’t do anything significant really, I can’t change the world.
I feel sad. Sad is such a pathetically weak word to describe such a huge, powerful and destructive emotion.
I want to end my life.
Anonymous said: Correct? No, you're not correct. The attitude you've adopted is "I'm intelligent and you infidels cannot match my intellect". In other words, you're extremely arrogant and seem (stubbornly) set in your ways.
I’m not correct hmm? And who’s opinion is that, yours. Your opinion is incorrect in my opinion, therefore infinite regress. It’s not that I’m “Not correct”, it’s just that due to your own opinions/perspective bias you believe I’m not correct. Much as due to my own opinions/perspective bias I believe I’m correct.
Arrogance isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being stubbornly set in my ways isn’t necessarily a bad thing either, as long as those ways aren’t based around the ideologies by Fairytale-Factories (Religions).
Another interesting point is that I don’t actually want as many people to “like” me anymore. I’m generally incredibely laid back and don’t cause problems/issues with anyone and was predisposed to try and help anyone in my life with problems. This was making me incredibely depressed.
So maintain a logical/correct attitude but add in attributes people don’t like, like “arrogance” for example. And now I have less people to bother me and I’m much happier for it!
Anonymous said: Pardon me for interrupting, but you really need to get off your high horse. kthanxbye
If being correct is considered being on a “high-horse”, then by all means: I’m on a high-horse.
petrollika said: It was me.
1) I do as I will. Your life is separate to his, regardless of your relationship. You are not Michael, therefore I am not in his life. If that was the case then being friends with my best friend of 13/14 years now would also put me in Michaels life, as he and Michael (to my knowledge) are still considered friends. Plus his wish for me not to be in his life is not one I have to respect, after what he did I have a choice to respect/not respect that wish. I choose to respect it however and do not contact him directly, nor do I actually speak to you (aside from that one occasion).
2) I don’t like your Tumblr posts to “remind you that I’m still here”. I don’t care honestly if you know I exist. I like what you reblog, and I find some of the actual text-posts you make interesting, humorous etc. I use this site for one main reason (much as anybody), to see the things I enjoy posted being posted by the people I follow, it just so happens that you post material I enjoy. You as a person don’t really factor much into the equation.
3) Various social networking sites? The only site to my memory I’ve ever contacted you/”had you around” on is Tumblr. I know you use DB but that can’t factor into it really as I and Michael were still best buddies at that time when you and him started talking (though it was just prior to our falling out) through DB. And I was as ecstatic for you and him as I still am, he was my best friend for eight years of my life. I’ve chosen to not let our falling out (which he did cause, he may have figured what he was doing was ok at the time but regardless) sully what our friendship meant to me/the fact that I’d happily have him back in my life. He’s chosen to instead sully the friendship and cast eight years of friendship aside over a mistake he made and I confronted him on.
Anyway, there’s no reason for it to “get on your wick” because as I just stated, you as a person/your relationship/your affiliation with an aforementioned party etc don’t factor into my following you/liking your posts. Assuming that could be considered a testament to ones own vanity.
Anonymous said: No, I meant I don't understand the logic in you interpreting, "I don't want you in my life." as "track down my girlfriend through various social networking sites, contact her, then when she starts ignoring you too, like her tumblr posts every once in a while to remind her that you're still there." I'm just assuming that last point because that's what it feels like, and it's really starting to get on my wick.
Who is this exactly? As this is potentially one of two people, I don’t want to reply without knowing who this is. Thanks.
Anonymous said: I don't understand your logic.
I don’t blame you, not many people do. I generally put way too much thought into the most base things and try and analyze every single bit of everything way to often and then expect others to “get it”.
Ah well, it’s fun doing it!
So, I felt kind of in the dumps but I’ve been talking to my lovely Tumblr friend and it has made me happier. How you ask? Through an innocent conversation about Death Cab For Cutie which went terribly of course.
“Me: Also I love Death Can for Cutie
Me: Can Lol
Her: ME TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOOooOoOOOOO
Me: I know purty much all their songs off by heart, favourites being Grapevine Fires and Passenger Seat
Her: I also love Life Cup for Ugly ;)
Me: What about Undead Bowl for Mediocrity?
Her: I love Ben Gibbard’s song Carolina. Lmfao Zombie Skillet for Sarcasm
Me: Fantastical Saucer for Pansexuality?
Me: Lmfao zombie skillet
Her: Lmao Pergatorical Teacup for Abnormality
Me: Adverse Wok of Lust
Her: WOK LMFAO I died. Lmao.
Me: Lmfao. Well I’m sorry, I’ll go put all my dining utensils away D:… in my Influential Cuboard for Bigotry. I wish my Tumblr was a standard type of Tumblr so I could just blog this ridiculous stuff
Her: DEAD LMAOOOOO Royal Chalice for Squirrels. Just put it on there!
Me: On my… Categorized Computer for Consequenecs? Maybe I could do it through my Anal iPod for Artistic-Tendancy? While listening to Death Can for Beauty of course…
Me: When I have a house, I’m naming my furniture like this.
I LOVE MY NEW BEST FRIEND<3
yazpanda said: What the actual fuck? Some people are just so pathetic and moronic. Who even thinks to send someone a message like that? Let alone go ahead and do it?! I really hope you didn't take that to heart or anything. I know your response was meant in a condescending way, but I hope you weren't trying to cover up any hurt by it.
Nah I wasn’t hurt by it. I partially agree with the anon on the later of his statement, but it didn’t effect me/hurt me. I just took it and retorted in a way that’d most likely annoy him/her.
rideoutprotectorsoftherealm said: Can I rip your anons windpipe out and set them on fire? Yeah, Cool, Cheers!
Sure! From the number of pictures you post of the British/US Army and stuff I figured you may need to gouge someones eyes out or tear out a windpipe as you said!
Be my guest :)
Anonymous said: Please do end your life. You would be doing everyone a favor including yourself!
I love you Anon <3